Blended families are increasing rapidly and that is not surprising, because we are getting divorced much more often (whether legally married or not). Married or cohabiting, there are often children involved and most people start looking for a new relationship. If one brings children or both, depending on the age of the partners, children can also be born from the new composition. Blended families often experience problems with their children.
Compound
If the (new) relationship is good, it is a warm home and there is room for everyone, then it is good. At least that is what is sometimes thought. However, this is not necessarily the case, and the cause does not necessarily have to be sought within the composite family. It is often the different roles that are displayed even more emphatically in a blended family and possibly not from a natural role. Children among themselves, children with stepparents and vice versa.
For example, a previous family elder, with the associated role, can suddenly no longer be the family elder. Both children , each from their own new position, may feel guilty or at least uncomfortable. This can lead to friction between these children.
Role of the children
The chance that a problem will arise with the children born into the new family is greater. After all, one or both partners have had a less successful relationship and are now fully committed to this new relationship. This immediately puts pressure on the children from this new relationship. Not consciously, of course, but that is how it can be experienced by children.
Where the children from previous relationships emotionally fulfill a subordinated role. But children are generally quite loyal and that can lead to unpleasant situations.
Become older
As children get older, they can of course decide for themselves which path to follow, and they can more easily judge for themselves how real or not their thoughts are. However, this does not simply take away the sense of loyalty (and the associated internal conflict) in children.
Factors that influence
There are a number of things that may influence problems, or the absence thereof.
- The younger the children are and therefore grow up more together, the smaller the chance of friction. The age difference also plays a role. A smaller age difference can have a positive effect.
- The bond between full siblings is always stronger, so if one part of the family has multiple children and the other does not, this can cause problems. When the children are younger, this problem is smaller than when they are approaching puberty.
- The friction between blended families, where there is the same mother, is smaller. This has to do with several things, one of which is the often leading role of the mother in the family, which is usually greater than that of the father.
- If the financial resources are very diverse, and they have been lived up to, this can cause friction for the children on both levels. A sudden opulence can be experienced as submissive and the other side can be experienced as superior.
- The roles of the different children are different, with the youngest from the original family may feel a subordinated role when a new child is born. The eldest of the original family, when two families are merged and he/she is suddenly no longer the eldest and the first child from the new family. There is a process of whether or not to accept it.
How to solve?
In fact, there is no ready-made solution, but if (step-)parents (including the remaining parents) make good agreements and treat everyone equally, which also means that children with the other parent are not treated significantly differently, you can go a long way. . When children are a bit older, it is good to make agreements. A stepfather is usually not seen as a father and so the chance that the child will accept anything from the stepfather is small. Don’t try to be the new father, but be available when the child asks for it.
In conclusion
Things are not as obvious as they sometimes seem and children can walk around with a huge backpack without saying this. Keep the conversation going, don’t force it, but the parent must continue to fulfill the parental role.